As personal as it gets

I remember... when I started this blog... it was mostly a log of my life. Nothing important. Then... there was a time.. when I used my blog.. as a healer. To write out my innermost thoughts ... so that I would feel better. For the past few weeks, however, I suddenly did not want to write out my thoughts. After all... some of them did not involve me... and I didnt want to write something that I would regret. Today... I realized that I had been unfaithful to my blog. I had vowed to be open...to never have anything to hide... and I was hiding things. So... today...I will write it out in my blog... maybe .. the pain will go away.

I believe I am in love. I have liked this girl since I have known her...(over a year). I have suppressed the feeling.. because...
a) My parents dont approve of love marriages... and I dont like to cause them pain
b)I dont know if the girl would ever like me.
c)She has always only treated me as a friend...

So.. I push this thought to the back of my mind.. and continue with my work. After all, as my dad always tells me.. "your duty is to study. Dont think of anything else". I wonder if he ever followed that... but I do try. Every once in a while.. this thought comes up front.

I go gaga over her everytime... do stupid things around her...and I bet that she thinks I must be nuts. But... thats the way of a lovefool right?
Now.... as I come closer to graduation.... (2.5 weeks away).. I wonder...should I tell her? But I graduate and leave... is it right to trouble her now? what if I come back to Purdue for my masters??

More importantly... how much in love am I? I know I like her a lot. I cannot explain it...in words. I think I may even bug her very often.. but thats only because I like to talk to her. I think that annoys her... but I just cannot control myself.

There is this whole concept... of ignoring the person you like. because.. when you pursue someone.. they tend to not like you as much. It is psychological. When someone pursues us, we naturally think that we are better than them... And yet... I "pursue" this girl. Try to chat with her... talk to her all the time. I dont know why...I really dont.

I think I will tell the girl I love her. And let the world take whatever course it wants to. I think I will be prepared for rejection. And I should also be prepared for questions from my parents and relatives.. who read this blog from time to time. But... love is something that one cannot stop. It's natural..isnt it? So.. how can they even question me? but they will. And now...I think I am prepared.

I can picture my dad telling me at this stage "You should not think of such things now. It is not the age for it. Dont let anything distract you from your studies". To him, my education is more important than anything else in my life. It was like that for me too. My education was more important than living life. It "was". The last few years have changed me. It is not that education is not important any more. It is just that there are other things that I need to learn in life that are equally important...if not more. People skills.... some dress sense...some knowledge in arts... some knowledge outside the world of books and computers and circuits. I think I have been able to make a good start in learning those... and I fully intend to go all the way:)

somehow.. my heart still feels heavy after writing this blog. I know it can and probably will hurt some people. I have spoken badly about my dad. But he loves me.. and only wishes the best for me. It's just that I dont always agree with him:).

on the 19th of December, I hope to obtain my degree in Electrical Engineering... and that day..will ..most probably.. be my last at Purdue. I have made many good friends here... and many many acquaintances. I wonder if I will ever see them again. so.. the heart is a bit heavy because of that too. But ... there is a "Whole new world" out there.. as Aladdin told princess Jasmine... and let me see where my 'magic carpet' takes me...