Friendship.... I have often wondered how deep or close a friendship should be. Or is. Is there an assumed level of closeness? There are some friends that I feel are close.. and yet..if hard pressed...would feel very far from. There are friends I was very close to... but when I meet them, I have nothing to say. I wonder if I am really that close. Or do I trust people enough? Especially in the 3.5 years I spent away from my friends in India....I made new friends for sure... but somehow... a distance crept between me and my old friends that made me feel cynical about friendships in general.
One person... that I barely knew....even when I was in India.....once asked me about the girl I loved.. and said.. 'Arent we all here for you Mohan. You should have told us about it". It made me feel flattered.. and yet I wondered... did she really mean it? I mean... she never did tell me when she was in love.
I remember another saying which went something like this "Do we ask our friends to just 'talk it out' to help them, or are we just titillated by the details". I sometimes think it is because we are titillated by the details.. I mean.. who doesnt like to hear the sordid tales of a friend's escapades... their weaknesses?
All this was triggered by a simple sentence in the movie "sideways". A brief outline of the plot: 2 middle aged friends (roommates in freshman year of college) go on a trip upto california's vineyards to enjoy the last week before one of them gets married. The guy getting married is an actor and the other guy is a middle school english teacher and a failed writer. The actor wants to "freak out" this last week before marriage and hits on a girl (girl 1) he meets. He arranges a double date for his friend with another girl (girl2) who happens to actually like the writer, who is a common visitor to the vineyards. Sounds complicated.. but that's just me explaining. Anywayz... he doesnt tell the girls that he is getting married next week and professes love to girl1. He even tells failed writer that he loves girl1 and that he plans to put his marriage on hold. In the end, failed writer slips up and tells girl2 that his friend is getting married. In the car .. while discussing... girl2 asks failed writer if actor really means it when he says that he loves girl1, failed writer says "He is an actor. This is what he does". I mean, this is one of his closest buddies.. and the guy is saying that he doesnt trust him. That he knows that his friend lied TO HIM!!
This got me thinking. Does one lie to friends? I mean, I normally cannot lie. I may conceal the truth at most, or avoid it..if it is truly unpleasant. But lying? Saying something without meaning it? I mean... one reason I cannot give a nice compliment is because I cannot make one up without thinking that I may be lying or exaggerating!!!! I find it very disconcerting that people can lie. I mean... serious deep lies. Not the frivolous jokes that people play all the time with no harmful intention. I trust people, especially my friends. Thats why I get conned easily...
Is that why I am wary of friends even when they are apparently close?
Edited
Just thought I'd add some more from a comment...
"I believe that friendship is a way for humans to just have company. I no longer believe that friends are forever... and I am happy with that. I know that I will always be willing to do a lot for my friends... but I have stopped expecting anything much from them in return. :). You say that old friends from India will always be soulmates... I say that it's better to move on if need be and not expect anything from them. Make the most of friendships as long as you are close (What is friendship after all... if not to just have someone to spend time with.. have fun with...share joys and sorrows). So what if you are not that close? How does one become close? Rather than be depressed about not having close friends, I have decided to just make the most of what I have:)."
I believe that friendships take time and effort to maintain, and that time and effort needs to be expended on both sides to maintain it. So... if a friendship grows distant, I will not expect anything close from them... but I'll be more than willing to start fresh with them again when the opportunity arises.
music: There she goes....There she goes again...
13 comments:
Mo,
I don't know why but I really feel like speaking my heart out. I've been staying out of my home country for about 2 years now. High school was the best part of my life. My friends were my soul mates. We would lie to our parents just to hang out and have fun. I would never hide anything from them and they would also do the same. But whenever I go back home, I feel that the extreme closeness that we had is just not there. I feel that they are still the same but I've changed. We try to feel the same friendship but the chemistry isn't there. Maybe because except me, all my friends are in various parts of the country and I'm in the US. So, they have become closer to each other and learned to live without their one lost friend. And I really feel lost.
Back to US, I've noticed a huge change in myself since the past 4 months. I find myself alone all the time whenever I'm in the apartment. I feel that I'm always busy and that takes me away from my friends here. But I know that's not the reason. I've always thought about my friends here before myself but somehow they just knew the level of closeness better than me. I hear them laughing and joking and having fun, sometimes I join them and sometimes don't.Looking at the way they live here, it seems they are really good friends. But when they go back to their countries, they never talk. They forget they had friends. Whenever I think about this fact, I get astonished. I feel that they are just using each other and playing their games to make sure they get whatever help they want.And yes, I've been conned by them Surprisingly, from that person too who portrays himself to be an ideal son and friend and an human being. People who brag too much are never the ideal ones.
Anyways, I'm really sorry for making this so long. I'm trying to find parts to delete but can't.
My soul always tells me that my friends back in my home country are always there for me. Same will be true for you too!
since I'm so freakishly attentive to things that don't matter, you should know that the guy in Sideways didn't think he'd been lied to - he thought his friend was lying to himself. He said "I'm sure he believed what he said" in his defense. However, later on in the movie, guy2 lies to guy1 when he tells him he didn't mention anything to girl2.
There are a few people who will remain good and trustworthy friends even with a minimal amount of contact, because they recognize and value character. you probably feel closer to those friends because you know that they're not interested in you for the titillation.
anyway, I think I lost my point somewhere along the way..
V
Hey Anonymous visitor,
I feel everything that you say.. because thats what I went through, to some extent. And I began to believe that friendship is a way for humans to just have company. I no longer believe that friends are forever... and I am happy with that. I know that I will always be willing to do a lot for my friends... but I have stopped expecting anything much from them in return. :). You say that old friends from India will always be soulmates... I say that it's better to move on if need be and not expect anything from them. Make the most of friendships as long as you are close (What is friendship after all... if not to just have someone to spend time with.. have fun with...share joys and sorrows). So what if you are not that close? How does one become close? Rather than be depressed about not having close friends, I have decided to just make the most of what I have:).
Hmm V,
I did notice that second statement, but as you said... it sounded more like a defense of his friend and not as if he really meant it. And yeah.. he also does lie to his friend later.
Hey Mohan bhai,
A very deep post!
I am not very sure what my current stand is on friendship, but couldnt have agreed more with what you said in the edited part. I feel if we expect somethings from others, then we become prone to getting hurt. Also, there's no end to expectations they keep rising everytime.
I believe in fulfilling all my responsibilities I have towards others and not worrying about whether they return it or not. I dont know how good I have been in my part, but from the time I have detached expectations from others, I am a happy soul!
About the distance growing with school friends, I am not very sure. Till now I am much more intimately bound to them....I dont know what effect the time will have. But I will try with all my might to cling to their friendship and resist the effect time has!
Jeez... from my point of view, you have too many close friends. I have no idea what motivated you to post this.
Matteo
Hey Matteo,
I guess I do or from another point of view, I have no close friends... just acquaintances who are relatively close. :).
as for my motivation....I think I mentioned that statement from sideways:).
Some people go days, weeks, or years on end without having anyone to talk to. Some people exist for years before anyone even notices them, and some never even get noticed. Some people are so lonely that they settle for being hated just to get attention.
You should be grateful that you have people even posting on this blog, and also grateful that those who consider you 'close' (whatever the hell that is) aren't offended by this post.
If nobody fits your criteria for a close friend, then that's only because you haven't let them become that. It's all in your head.
Matteo
Hey Matteo,
That is an interesting way of looking at it. But I dont see why I should be sorry for what I am? I am sorry if you feel offended by it.. but it's the truth.
I'm not offended, and I'm sure you feel that way, but it's not the truth. This is what I mean by letting your emotions run your life... they are unpredictable, and sometimes warp your perception of reality. You need to learn to keep a grasp on reality. You have friends... you have family... you have everything you need in life. You shouldn't let whatever else is causing that depression to blind you from that.
I don't know why you are depressed... probably from something that isn't even worth it, like that girl. Maybe something else. Who knows. Having no close friends is definitely not it, and you know that. So, stop complaining about a problem that doesn't exist, and realize the real problem.
Matteo
errrm Matteo,
You SERIOUSLY have NO clue about my post. And you have ABSOLUTELY no clue about how I think. I say... reread the post.. it isn't a complaint... it is an observation... an observation about my life... and the way I am. And I HAVE NO PROBLEM with it!!! Jeez, I wonder where you got it into your mind that I am depressed? You really got to stop making too many assumptions here.
I'll just chat it out with you.
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