Moments of thought

~rant~

I have a sinking feeling at the bottom of my heart. Somewhere right above my stomach and just below my sternum. It feels like I am drowning in a sea of endless waiting and that weight in my heart is pushing me lower and lower...towards some remote distant doom.
My horoscope today morning, told me, "You may want a speedy resolution. But uncertainty is what keeps things interesting."

Interesting eh? At this stage of life, I feel like I just need to keep going with the flow.. but the flow seems to have stopped. My brain feels like mud... and my heart feels like pulp. You know, it is times like this that bring out the worst in men. I have always believed that the United States has such a high incidence of wierd crimes because of loneliness. People do wierd things when they have nothing else to do. Here at Purdue, I have spent the past few days meeting up with people. From my freshman year till my graduation. I have met most of the people that have made a difference (and many that really didn't) that are still at Purdue. Now, I have once again reached the stage where I don't know what to do. The activity around me spurs me on to doing something, but what?? People are busy. They have classes to attend, homeworks to do, papers and projects... and here I sit, without a joule of work. I don't like to disturb those that are busy, and maybe that is my problem. And of course, crazy thoughts.... enter my brain. My heart begins to throb with pain and my soul begins to wail a sad song of anger and deceit

It is at times like this that I begin to dream of a soulmate. A friend that I can talk to without worrying about what their impression of me is or wondering what they think of me. Till today, I am yet to find someone like that. And I don't think I ever can. After all, I seek someone so perfect that it can only be god. And I don't believe that I can talk to god. I still remember my first "best" friend. I called him my best friend and he said that someone else was his best friend. My next "best" friend was the same too. After that, I no longer said that someone was my best friend. They were good friends. Maybe I was selfish because I wanted ONE friend, all for myself. At times, I felt that the only reason that anyone was friendly with me was because I was good at studies. But I think I lack something. So, I am not "best" friend material. I may just lack social skills, or that intuition that so many people seem to have.

I do sound pathetic right? Yeah... this is a self centred rant. I almost always talk about myself because I know I cannot offend myself. But that makes me self centred. And so, I try to ask people about their lives... but I just feel nosey. What do I do?

Well, I was feeling really low just a wee bit ago. I was going to blog a sad blog. But that was before I came online. But V's message on the previous blog kinda spiced up my thoughts.. and I just could not go on being depressed. So, I was actually able to analyze my behaviour. I Think. Bleh. Writing this blog makes me think of things other than depressing things...

BTW, yesterday, I decided I should try my hand at poetry.
The outcome was this miserable stanza

My eyes fly over letters...
pages fly by
but nothing I remember
coz she is in my eye

I leave you with that.