I cannot find any link to describe my feelings..... I was reading this story...on a kid (St Francis of Assisi) and his thoughts as he is entering his teens... He wants to be a hero.. not be silly... and at the same time... he goes ahead and joins some little kids in their games and has a gala time... which he regrets later... thinking that real hero does not do such frivolous things and he almost cries. And then... I just started thinking of my childhood... and somehow... this one day stuck out.
I must have been around 9 or 10 (maybe younger)... and somehow.... it suddenly struck me that nothing is permanent. I got this vague fear... that everyone has to die.. and following natural law... my parents will have to die before me.... and I would have to say goodbye some day. This was so painful for me that I still remember crying all day. I just went to my mom, who was cooking, and held her tight. Initially.. she didnt know why I was crying... but when, I bawled out the reason, She just hugged me and held me tight. Maybe that was the day I realized how much my parents actually meant to me. Not that I did not trouble them after that. I was a very naughty kid... but still...
The next time I cried so uncontrollably (just because of thinking) was sometime last year. I was all alone in my room.. watching this movie "seetaramaiah gari manavaraalu" (SeetaRamaiah's granddaughter). In the movie, a rich village landlord's son opposes his dad and marries the girl he loves and leaves for the states. The father cuts off all ties. Many years down the line... for a relatives wedding... on being pressurised.. he sends his son an invite to the wedding. But his granddaughter arrives instead and wins everyone's heart. But the landlord is still unhappy as his son does not arrive. Only at the end of the movie..are we told... that his son had died in a car accident... as he was getting ready to come to India. I guess I remembered my grandfather who had passed away a few months after I came here... and I just cried my heart out... remembering all the time I spent with him and all the times I teased him and played with him. All the time I was staying with him, I never realized the extreme impact he had on my life. Only after his death did I realize that he had always been my hero.
I guess the reason I said this was because I just wanted to write it out. Somehow... putting it in words makes me understand myself better. And...I was thinking how death is the one thing which still makes me cringe. I think I can handle anything that life can throw at me... and then... things like this make me realize how utterly powerless I am.
1 comment:
dear mohan,
your thoughts on the death and its....are very touching.they brought tears in my eyes.
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