One night...in a study lounge, while studying with a friend, I pointed out a girl to my friend and said, "isn't she cute?".
Later that evening, she came up to me with a question...
It started like that.
And then... days spent in that lounge.. waiting... people used...details sought. And then came contact.
She became a friend. I thought I was over the crush. After all, love was a forbidden fruit. Or was I?
Was it something in her face? her voice? Her eyes? Or was it her shy self-conscious laugh? Maybe it was her attitude. I had to get to know her better. Abandoned by reason, aided by friendship and pushed on by a sense of vanity, I convinced myself that we were just friends. Yet, the heart raced and my legs took me to her doorstep. Time after time.... day after day.
But what is love, my brain cried? How does one know love, if one hasn't ever experienced it. Crushes I have had... but none so early...none so long lasting and none made me feel like this each time I caught sight of her. Is this love I still questioned. After all, friendship must not be threatened by such outrageous claims. And friendship would be a strong thread to cling to. And I graduate, going far off. How will time affect the feeling? No matter that time hasnt had any affect all these days. And neither has distance. Questions.... without absolute answers.
And then realization struck a home run. I, who never believed in love at first sight, was actually experiencing it. Love, after all, hasn't been defined. Doubts evaporated under the flame of introspection. I had to let her know.
I was like a shy bride to be. Nervous....with downcast eyes. Was I ashamed..maybe...for having betrayed trust...for having done something that might hurt. But it had to be done. Two sentences I said.. and two I received in response. Should I demand for more? Should I explain myself? Verbosity may clear things up. But I walked out that day.
Edited.
15 comments:
Such strong emotions are really very difficult to deal with. Its worse when the other person is a close friend. I wish everything turns out to be in your favour.
Good Luck!
Preeti
This is a beautiful blog. You are really honest to your blog. Very rarely have I read a blog which has the description of such an incident so beautiful and honest.
Goodluck with her!
:)Thank You:)
This is going to be harsh, but someone who reads this has to tell you. Love is a two way lane, period. Otherwise, it's just infatuation. Your description of how you met her has infatuation written all over it, and the longer you dwell on it, the more it will hurt. In any case, whether you think you are in love or not doesn't matter. She isn't. In fact, she probably isn't suffering over it, like you, either... sure, she may feel bad about it, but as it stands that is all you are going to get - and, like I said before, you can't fool her into loving you. So you may say 'but Matteo, you don't understand!" - No, I do. I felt the same way you did for seven years before I realized it wasn't worth it. I know it sucks... everyone, girls and guys, go through it. So, my advice is, and I'm sure you're not going to take it, to get over it. Find an *active* hobby and distract yourself for awhile. You're not going to get anywhere in a relationship letting your emotions run your life.
Anyway, I don't really see 'confidence' in that light. I see it more as keeping a positive attitude, especially through tough situations.
Matteo
Dear Matteo.
I appreciate your concern. And I do understand what you are trying to tell me. But I am tired of explaining myself to people. :) lets leave this at that.
-Mohan.
hey Lisa
hehehe I am trying...I am trying!!!
:):):)
-Mohan
*siiiiiigh* You act like I don't understand. I guess I didn't expect any better, though. Have fun being miserable.
Matteo
Matteo,
DO you understand? Does anyone? I no longer claim to understand anyone beyond what they explain to me..
Love like that is a beautiful ideal that we all chase after. Very few actually find it, but most will look for it - some longer than others. It all depends on one's patience, determination, and courage - and what else one has to do in life. So if he keeps trying, it's a good thing.
Mo Solo, a little piece of advice: you have to make her want you.. this may mean changing yourself in some ways, though I know changing yourself for others is not something you like to do. Love is compromise as much as it is ideal.
:).
I think you hit the spot a bit too well. But thats what fazes me. I dont mind changing. In fact.. I want to change because I know I must be lacking something...right? But the question is how should I change? What is that change? So...I try ... a little bit at a time.. a little different each time.
Yeah, I DO understand. And your theory on changing yourself doesn't work. First impressions go a long way. Also, no girl likes a guy who changes themselves for them. Think about it... if you are going hire a doctor, and this person sucks at it, but tells you that they will work on changing themselves, would you hire them? Or, would you rather hire someone who knows how and can do the job? - Rather than rely on someone who wasn't good to begin with and will probably make many mistakes. Do you have that kind of patience? Do you think this girl does? You think she is going to wait around for Mohan when there are probably plenty of other men doing all the right things?
Mohan, this is going to sound strange, but the worse place in the world to get advice on women is from women. Ask yourself this question: If these women say you are doing all the right things, then why aren't they interested in dating you? More often than not, they don't even know what THEY want, much less what some other girls want.
I'm not saying that getting with this girl is impossible, but that they only way you will have chance with her is by letting it go. You have to create something more powerful than a first impression, and changing yourself is too predictable.
Think it over.
Matteo
Also, if you are going to call me out by name, then at least have the guts the give yours. Words from a coward are meaningless to me.
Matteo
Hey Matteo... just leave it at that ok?
I dont need any flame wars on my blog:)
It's not like I care or anything. I just feel obligated to respond when someone calls me by name.
Hey.. just some thoughts of mine. Most of the times, I've seen people in deep and amazing relationships that started off with a smile from one person or just a simple 'Hi' from another. Be it infatuation or love at first sight, putting a tag of 'friendship' on it and labelling it as something that you would betray by telling her how you really feel is definitely not the right thing to do. Being a friend to her, you have the right to tell her how you truly feel just as you have the right to fall in love with someone. Being in love is not a crime, not acting on it and then feeling depressed about not acting when you could have is. Sometimes, it takes time for people to understand how they truly feel. I would not tell you to pin you hopes on that but if she really is worth you and loves you too, she will come to you... no matter where you are. Change is a necessity when it comes to relationships, we do it without any ego just to make the other person happy so I am glad you are open to change. I believe you are in love but that is just my opinion... everyone has one. You have done your part by letting her know how you feel, now leave the rest upto her. If it is meant to be, she will come to you.. although that might sound a bit philosophical. But just remember that you are not betraying your friendship in any way by falling in love... for all you know.. your friendship started BECAUSE you were interested in her in the first place. Even otherwise, friendship is the base for great relationships. I can understand your pain, I have experienced it once myself. Things happen when you least expect them but take this statement with a grain of salt because it isn't always true. Time heals everything and you are just starting life in every sense, take it as a new beginning. Wishing you all the best in love and all my prayers....
Thanks:).
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