Stalker stalker burning bright....

I am a stalker.
Yes... I AM a stalker.
it scares me at times. I look up random people... pry around on google..trying to find references to them... try to find their pics.. as if I would ever see them in real life. It is an obsession... why? Am I searching for someone or something? I dont know... but it is an obsession.

I used to just find people on websites... maybe some website I found ... some purdue website... someone's comments on some blog.... and then look them up. Some people work hard to hide their identity... I try to guess their identity... see if they have revealed some place that they are a girl or a guy....(I actually saw a video on some blog.. of a person.. teasing his/her cockatail (The bird...).. and I tried to guess the gender by looking at the person's hand. Scary!!! but fun. Maybe it is this wierd high I get with knowledge. The ability to say... Yeahh I Know something about YOU that you did not know I knew!!! Hah!!. As if I would ever meet some of them... or even recognize them if I did.

well.. in my travails... through this blog, I came across this psychological test... of personality. The results were totally unexpected. It totally deflated me.. because I always thought I knew my strong and weak points. So, I wondered... is it because I think too low about some of my abilities that those features have been exaggerated? Or maybe I judge myself too harshly. The idea that I could be wrong about myself... though possible...seems far fetched. I dont know...

Once more...I got some inspiration to write in the shower. I was remembering this line my mom often told me as a kid. "You will remember this when you grow older and wonder why you were such a troublesome kid". Yeah... At that time..I always laughed it off. Thought that I was right in whatever I was doing. Today...I think back.. and my mom's words echo in my mind. I now do wonder at my immaturity... my utter disregard for others (especially my parents)... and my extreme self confidence. I wonder.. why I was such a troublesome kid.

This made me think.. am I really right in doing what I do now. In believing that what I am doing is correct? like... is my confidence in myself justifiable. I am currently pretty confident that, most of the time, I do the right thing. But today... I began to wonder: a few years from now... what will I think of my actions? Will I be happy with my decisions... or will I feel that I was totally wrong?
This feeling is especially accentuated when I remember myself in my freshman year. I thought I was perfect (Or close to perfect...) back then. Never really understood why some people did not like me... or some people laughed at me for my ways.. my sense of dress... etc. Today... I somewhat realize why they did (Though my sense of dress hasnt really improved. But atleast I realize that now... or am I wrong again??)

And I wonder... if so many people have already been there and know better than me... am I that slow? am I maturing slower than others... or have I just been unable to develop some aspects of my personality fast enough? I do know that I was slow in appreciating female beauty around me...how naive I was .... and I know I have been slow in realizing that I have a terrible sense of dress. But I was pretty good at studies. Now..I feel I have depreciated academically .. but appreciated socially. But then... that nagging doubt.. Am I really as right as I think I am?

Hmmm

When I started this blog... I really didnt know what to write... and then... the words just flowed... and now again..I realize..I am just repeating myself. And my attention span.. being so short... has moved on. So shall I.

:)

and my stomach is rumbling... awesome smells from the kitchen. Raghu is AWESOME.

cya...

P.S. How do ya guys like the new layout?? spent a li'l time earlier while I was feeling really sleepy at work.. to move things around.