Arranged marriages. A lot of ppl in the US seem to have some difficulty in comprehending arranged marriages. Just like ppl in India have difficulty in accepting love marriages.
So... I often wondered... Why are marriages arranged in India? How are marriages arranged? and is it in any way better than love marriages?
In my quest...I have come across various reasons. As I see it, arranged marriages are just a way of finding a good spouse for ur kids. An experienced older person may be a better judge of character and may be able to select the right spouse for someone. Also, arranged marriages end up with finding spouses within the same 'caste'. People of the same caste typically have the same type of lifestyle..the same kind of background..etc. So, it is easier to find something in common.. and do things in common. This helps in adjusting better as there is something in common.
Also... ppl approach an arranged marriage with open minds. They dont really know the other person too well (Though.. nowadays... they spend time after the engagement getting to know each other better). This seems to have a somewhat good effect on marriages. Especially since divorce is usually unacceptable in India. So... ppl will strive to save a marriage.
As such, I feel that the arranged marriage system works in the Indian culture. Arranged marriages typically work through family networks. With the huge joint families... it is easy to find a suitable groom. Someone always knows someone who knows someone who's brother in law's wife's brother is just right. I've seen it at work.. and it is amazing. Nowadays...with the nuclearization of Indian families, marriage bureaus are becoming more popular... but the family route is always explored.
In the US, .. families are very nuclearized. As such, love marriages are encouraged. From an early age..the concept of girl friends.. and boy friends is observed and encouraged by parents. And with love marriages..comes a different kind of life. To me, the US seems to have a totally different kind of ppl. A lot of people here think a lot about their own happiness... rather than the happiness of the family. I mean... not that they dont think of the family at all.. but self comes before family. I dont say its wrong.... just different. Thats why, a lot of the times, I see some really funny reasons for a divorce. Something which could have been worked out... but they rather not. But then again... I read blogs like BeFrank's and I realize I should not generalize.
I really dont know where I am going with this. I want to talk a lot more... about US society.. and society in India... but the more I think... the more contradictory statements keep coming to mind. Like how India is all about arranged marriages and all... and yet... how much happens behind the doors that noone knows about. About ruthless families... domestic violence... dowry harrasment..etc. About how there isnt enough appreciation for a strong family bond in the US.. and yet... ppl are so successful. How TV is saturated with love and sex...in a very matter of fact way... even cartoons and PG films talk about kissing and making out. How kids say that they are tired of their parents and want to move out as soon as possible. And yet... ppl are happy being so independent.
All this makes me realize. No one method is perfect. Each has its advantages and disadvantages.
In my family, love marriages are frowned upon. it's just a matter of being against the normal grain of life. Yet, that does not stop me from having my crushes and loves. Sometimes, I have a crush... but hide it deep down... till I get over it.. because I know that things wont work out that easily. I know that I dont have the strength to totally oppose my parents... make them worry. If a crush can withstand my own self criticism...I know that that person is truly worth any amount of trouble. I am happy that my parents are very understanding... and trust me to make the right decisions. So..hopefully... I will be able to make them happy in whatever I do. After all, I know the kind of sacrifices they had to make in order to make me who I am.
I guess I have been wandering about a lot now. will get going for now. Njoyy peeps:)
P.S. Should I list out the contents of my wallet like gemmak or Lisa?? Hmmmmm
9 comments:
Intense!
I have a slightly different view on why American marriages fail. I think they fail for, like you said, selfish reasons, but I also think that those who marry do so prematurely. What most Americans fail to see if that with marriage comes responsibility, and since most Americans go into marriage without fully exploring themselves and not knowing what they want out of life, they feel trapped in marriage and realize it is too late to go back. This is why you see wives run off with other men, and husbands going through mid life crisis. Most love stories told in america are just that... love stories. You always hear about two people's undying love for each other... those people are in love... love love love. Nobody talks about or teaches the responsibilities that comes with love.
Love marriages are OK when both people understand and are willing to dedicate a large portion of their lives to their family and most importantly, their children.
For example, I want to travel... sure I don't mind a girlfriend, but in the case of marriage I know that I can not give my wife, or my family, the attention and support they need until I fulfill my own personal desires. I am not say life ends after marriage, just that it is a change in lifestyle. Most people do not realize these things, and follow the trend thinking they will be happy with that.
I hope I meet a woman with the same ideals.
Matteo
Life is beautiful... aint it. Especially when ya meet great ppl like y'all!!
:)
Hmmm...a lot of thought has gone into this subject, Mrokki:)) You are not an ABCD...but are slowly getting there ..he he he!
Jokes apart, you do what suits you best, live and let live. If you can 'hide' your feelings because of your respect to your parents and family and even understand their stand about marriage, then believe you me, something must be really right. Like you say, there is really no 'ideal' system:)
Btw, I happen to discover this 'blog world' thro a fellow 'mirc-er'(!!) and am quite fascinated..yours is real cool, keep it up:)..Guessed who..dnana!
marriage in the US has become a joke. They base reality tv shows around it. one of my co-workers is from india, and her marriage was arranged. she did have time to get to know him before they were married. but, the marriage seems pretty healthy.
sometimes it seems our families do know best.
With the little I probably know, I think I agree with Matteo. I've read about so many Americans, and not just celebrities, that marry real early. And then, maybe without understanding the sort of committment that is required for a marriage to work. Maybe this is what is responsible for the high divorce rates.
In contrast, from what I have seen of my peers here, I have come to the conclusion that, if there is no force from within the family, most youngsters would rather be well settled with a definite income of their own before even thinking about marriage.
And like Mohan said, families do probably know what is best for you. So, it is not like you get the worst deal if you go in for an arranged marriage.
There is an advert on Indian channels for diamonds. It shows an arranged marriage happening, and then shows how the couple, over time, come to enjoy and love each other's company. It ends with the tag-line "Maybe this is what a love marriage is...".
Maybe.
hi..
everyone tries to hide that first crush or love or watever deep down.for some reason we think that we are really good enuff or can actually do it to your parents.but i think personally its got nuthing to do with howmuch ever u opposing it .like u said wen its the true thing ,watever u do howmuchever u try u cant keep it down. and yes ..u have parents who can understand you.falling in love is not going aganist them. it is not a sin. and niether do u parents think so.
am sure you will able to see the reason in this someday ,if not today.
the above comment i left ...correction..
for some reason we think we are reall not* good enuff
Hey Dnana akka:D. Welcome to the 'blog-world'!! :D
Well Vadergrrrl, somehow I think a marriage in the US is just approached differently in the US. Here, it is a very personal thing. Something which involves only the man and the woman.. and at most.. their kids' happiness. So, if there is unhappiness in a marriage, it is easier to anull it. But that does not mean that the sanctity of marriage is not appreciated in the US. :D
Anonymous.. You have put forward some really nice points. But the thing is, I never thought that falling in love is a sin. To me, love is very powerful... and something which borders on the spiritual. So, I put it through a personal test of fire before it can affect some other person's life. Sometimes...I feel that my personal criticism nips the thought in the bud before it can even evolve... but I still feel my way is correct. Especially at this stage in my life when I am still totally dependent on my parents.
And Lisa... what can I say;). The rest of the world holds a grudge against the US;). So.. forgive us if we sound kinda pompous in trying to find fault with the US. ;). I personally think its just a different approach to life. In fact, I too have often wondered what the divorce rate would be in India if things were any different from what they are now.
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